Time: 6:30 P.M.
An Evening which is on the verge of turning into the night but still has in its vast expanse the infinite span of light all around. The ambiguous setting of the time and there rests on the rocking chair a woman with closed eyes in a deep thought- Thinking about thoughts!
‘Love’ an emotion in itself – a unified whole. It is experienced in any form by all, sometimes once or may be more times. A lot of us make numerous efforts to define, to explain, to live and relive this emotion but always fail, like I did, repeatedly.
Sometimes I feel blessed that I was fortunate enough to ‘be- loved’ and become someone’s ‘beloved’ but fortune doesn’t rest forever. When I turn back to that dreamy phase of life it becomes a fragmented collection of some long lost movie that I must have seen in the past. Sometimes his existence seems schizophrenic and then everything comes back to square one. We learn to live whether we are loved or hated upon.
I, Tamanna Sahani, 22, freshly graduated from University of Delhi, a high spirited all-rounder young woman who is generous, kind, popular but only lacks in terms of a long stable continuing relationship. Sometimes I feel being perfect is the chosen curse.
I always believed that relationships never base themselves on a materialistic exterior but on a sudden unexpected connection where all it requires is that two people when together should forget that the world exist around them. For a young girl of sixteen a slight touch of closeness is the most intimate moment which further manifolds into dreams of everlasting union of a nuptial knot.
But dreams are just manifestations, pseudo visions which give pleasure in unconscious state of being.
Being born in a middle class family with struggling parents for a dignified living the basic elementary upbringing is that of being morally good in character and to study hard to achieve a reputed profession. A love affair is a taboo and you learn to live with it with each passing day.
But there surely comes one huge hurdle that is the showering love of that one person who seems to be ‘the one’ the moment he enters in life but is surely not going to remain ‘the one’ in the longer run.
People say girls are stupid, they easily believe and fall into traps but the first man that comes into their life is not the one that had been interrogated and chosen by them but the one who is the prince figure personified and gives them all those epiphanic moments which bind them to him.
This emotion of love is so powerful and opiumated that it is impossible to detach from its glue.
Rajat Maheshwari- aspiring sound engineer, calm and composed in behaviour is an everyday looking average boy. Though inquisitive about astrology and physics he possessed a beautiful heart which at one point in time was only preoccupied with one woman that is Tamanna (that is me).
I have always been a woman with a rigid exterior who never slipped into these playful emotions because I was always afraid of being cheated upon, of being left out alone in the world, of bringing a bad name to the family and for the uncountable reasons which can never be explained.
Perfection and Idealism in every sphere of life is the motto that I have lived with and is living and probably that is why I perfectly stand-alone. Planning is good to an extent but every move in life is not as chronological as we think it to be.
The seven years of my life that I have lamented upon the loss of my boyfriend have been more jolting than the two years that we were together as a couple. In the eyes of the world we surely are ‘Facebook friends’ but behind the computer screens each one of us still long for each other.
But the distance that we initially carved and the time that has now extended has made it impossible for us to come back at the very same point from where we parted ways.
Though Rajat and I are the very products of this 21st century who are professionals, tech- savvy and carrier oriented but the essence that we shared is not as cliche as the modern times.
Our relationship was never about the public display of affection or the public declaration of being together on social media but that of one pure feeling which we mutually shared.
Romance is when it is experienced in routine activities, in unsaid gestures, in that moment where only the two people who are together matters.
It is a momentarily experience which is impression-ed for a life time and may be beyond. It is eternal.
I can talk endlessly about this powerful emotion because it’s imbibed in me. Mine is not a fairy tale which is beyond the realms of the real. It’s as much rooted in the present context and is structured in that urban framework. Strangely our relationship had started much before we actually met in person. Thanks to our blooming technology which had shortened the distance between us.
I still remember that day when we had to first meet. It was the scorching Heat of the summers in Delhi. I had reached almost an hour late and there stood a bright fragrant personality in the crowd with an ever ending search in his eyes.
For me that is one fine moment which has freezed forever in my memory where no one seemed as chivalric as he did. That wait is worth waiting for him when in his eyes you see that sparkling smile which is priceless. Holding hands and long walks is the prime experience in a pleasant weather but indulging in a similar experience in the burning heat is something which only he could have dared to do on the very first meeting.
Ours is that one fine elementary tie which probably never needed any superficial garb to showcase Love.
Every story becomes more special when it is much lived by the characters who are involved in it.
Rajat once said, “I had lost my father- the one I loved and respected the most. Then I found you. I promise to never leave you because I don’t want to be deprived of love again.”
This one statement is so intense in its emotion that I could never think of him in a bad light. Some people just step in to ultimately leave but they leave behind them such treasures which are only explored in their absence.
It’s a visual delight to relive in a chronology a poetic trail of life with Rajat who gave a series of caricatured and framed canvases of our love painted upon it. From thick and thins to every celebration he stood as a pillar figure.
But one fine winter night, it’s the almighty who knows what had happened that drifted the two of us. The reason is as ambiguous as this evening.
He just left to never return back.
All he had to say was “If we are meant to be, we’d surely meet in the future, but we are not suitable for each other now. It’s better to separate and feel hurt today than in future where separation would be unbearable.”
I am left behind with these words, living in a pseudo hope of that destined union in future but in all these years that I have been without his physical presence, his ideologies and his affectionate spiritual presence had lifted me and elevated in person.
I have had everything which one would desire from life and in all these accomplishments all that I could never gain was his companionship. Women are weak when it comes to Love but they are the strongest when it comes to valuing that Love.
With him was heavenly but being a part of this modern life a single woman might remain single in thoughts but has to comprehend to societal norms and adhere to it. Being with him is a divine worship.
Time: 9:30 P.M.
The Door Bell Rings and Few hours had elapsed in thoughts.
I get up to open the door and there stands my husband who has returned from work.
I asked, “You got late today? What Happened?”
He replied, “As usual, it’s the traffic.”
He inquired, “What were you up to?”
I told, “Nothing as such, just lulled into a stream of thoughts while preparing for my interview tomorrow. You need to be well prepared in advance; you never know when they start inquiring about the personal life.”
He embraces saying, “It really isn’t easy to be a husband of such a woman of substance who possesses such a wholesome personality.”
All I could say, “Oh you stop being so flattering. It is you who has made me one, Rajat.
Tamanna Sahani is complete only when she is Mrs. Tamanna Rajat Maheshwari.”